Life Coach for Motherless Mothers

If you have ever felt completely submerged by the dual tides of motherhood and grief, please know you are not alone. For many of us, it isn’t until a major life transition pulls the rug out from under our feet that we begin to look at our brains through a different lens. On a recent episode of Can’t Call Your Mom, I had the absolute pleasure of sitting down with Dori Zener, a Registered Social Worker and expert in Neurodiversity-Affirming care, to unpack why these seasons of life can feel so particularly heavy for neurodivergent brains.

Reframing the Narrative: From Deficiency to Difference

For too long, neurodiversity—the different ways our brains process the world—was framed as a deficiency. We were taught to measure ourselves against a "neurotypical" benchmark and found ourselves wanting. Dori offers a much more beautiful perspective: neurodiversity is a difference in rhythm. It is the unique way you think, create, and contribute. When we stop trying to force ourselves into a standard that wasn't built for us, we can begin to find our own unique rhythm.

The Executive Function Strain

Dori describes executive functioning as the "computer system" that organizes our lives—handling everything from planning and priorities to emotional regulation. As women and mothers, many of us have spent years developing complex systems and "masking" to stay afloat. But motherhood and loss are massive system upgrades that our old computers can’t always handle. This is often why many women receive an ADHD or autism diagnosis later in life; the sheer cognitive load of managing a home, a career, and the heavy weight of grief causes the old coping mechanisms to buckle. It isn’t that you are failing; it’s that your system is under an unprecedented strain.

Moving from Shame to Self-Compassion

One thing I shared with Dori is how ADHD often carries a "core wound of shame"—the feeling that we are just doing it wrong. When we can't "bounce back" from grief or keep the house as organized as we think we "should," that shame can become paralyzing. Healing requires a deep unlearning of societal standards. It’s about recognizing that your sensitivity to pain, your sensory overwhelm, and your need for closure are real physical experiences, not character flaws. Grace comes from permission to evolve and honoring the version of yourself that exists right now.

Practical Steps for the Journey

Dori shared some incredible, actionable advice for reducing the cognitive load and reclaiming your energy:

Externalize Your Brain: Use alarms and shared apps for everything from laundry to grocery lists. Don't try to carry the mental load alone.
Reduce Decision Fatigue: Automate what you can. Eat the same breakfast, pick out clothes the night before, or ask a partner to take over the "decision-making" part of a task (like making the grocery list) even if you do the execution.
Advocate for Your Sensory Needs: It is okay to ask for less noise or less visual clutter. Communicating these needs to your partner isn't an excuse; it's a way to thrive together.
The INVEST Model: Dori’s framework—Identify needs, Validate, Educate, Strengthen, and Thrive—is a roadmap for moving toward a neuro-affirming life.

Conclusion

Whether you are already diagnosed or just starting to get curious about your brain, I hope this conversation offers you a sense of belonging. You can find the full episode of "Can’t Call Your Mom" on all major platforms. For more resources, peer support groups, and neuro-affirming care, please visit dorizener.com. You don't have to navigate this journey alone.

So much love to you, Nicole