I’m Not the Strong One Anymore: Redefining Strength in Grief, Motherhood, and Leadership. Nicole Weston; Leadership & Life Coach
How releasing the need to be “the strong one” opened the door to real resilience, self-trust, and healing.
For decades, I was praised for being the strong one the woman who could handle anything. But when my mom died, that identity collapsed. In this blog, I share how grief invited/demanded me to redefine strength, and why this transformation continues to influence the way I coach women in business who are doing it all through life’s hardest seasons and questioning why they don’t feel like themselves.
Hi love, story time so grab a tea and let’s chat…
Ok, I am wondering if your parents or friends ever said this to you: “you're the strong one, we don’t need to worry about you”.
Growing up I heard this all the time and because I didn’t know anything different it became my identity. I was praised for handling it all and never breaking.
I was the strong one.
Fo example, when my dad left our family for his mistress/soul mate. I kept moving, taking care of everyone else. I witnessed my mothers whole body collapse and zest for life leave her body. I was riddled with fear and they took my silence as strength.
I took on everyone’s emotional well being and learned quickly that if I can make it all make sense, keep faith, have hope eventually life would get better.
When my mom was depressed and coped with alcohol, I was the strong one.
I did what had to be done. I managed, I helped, I listened and pulled up my ‘boot straps’ and kept going.
I am strong because I had to be, I didn’t have a choice. My survival depended on it. When life was hard, people stopped asking me if I needed help because I just figured it out. “Nicole is the strong one”.
In 2012, after landing my dream job as a social worker at a not for profit agency supporting young mothers and their children, I was in a serious car accident and had to rethink everything.
Just as I was starting my dream career and building a life on my terms, I was slammed back down.
Then, in October 2012 I attended a weekend workshop and it transformed the way in which I understood myself and the life I was living.
That weekend I became aware of the deep pain I was carrying and was deeply impacting my decision for how I live my life. What I was capable of, what I wanted in my life. It was all in front of me and I quickly realized I was living in survival. I was scared and it was draining me. I was taking on the emotional and mental well being of EVERYONE in my life. Specifically my mother. I remember thinking if I can be better, make more money, I can take care of her and bring her zest back and she will get better, she will change.
But, I didn’t and she didn’t and that was never my job.
But that belief “I am the strong one translated into be perfect, help everyone, sacrifice yourself as much as you can and that equals how much you love them and how much love you are worthy of. These limiting beliefs were programmed in my subconscious mind and it was guiding every decision I made in my life.
Can you relate to any of this love? Deep breath.
In December 2012, I invested in a Breakthrough Intensive and during the first session I for the first time ever experienced peace.
My mind was quiet, my heart calm and I had a peak into the real me. The me without the responsibility of everyone else. She was gentle, calm, joyful, hopeful and adventurous and she also carried the weight of feeling unlovable, not good enough and unworthy of help.
I made the decision to invest in the program. It was the most amount of money I had ever spent on myself but I had planned to pick up extra shifts at the restaurant, work my full time job and focus on me.
During that initial session I heard myself declare what I wanted for the first time in my life and I couldn’t un hear that. I was determined.
That one decision to trust myself and believe in myself literally transformed my entire life.
I didn’t know it then.
But 13 years later I can tell you I wouldn’t be who I am and where I am now if it weren’t for that program and my coach who led me through.
During those 6 weeks I healed on every level.
I fell in love with myself.
I found myself.
I saw the possibility and not the worst case.
I was regulated.
I was grounded.
I was confident.
Most importantly I uncovered a deep desire to be a mother. A desire I never once had before doing the work.
I set a goal in December 2012 on the last session of the program. The goal went like this: On March 3 2013 I am in a loving, healthy, trusting, communicative relationship with the man of my dreams…
I met him in April 2013 and we have never stopped talking since.
Why share any of this?
Because from that moment on I committed to loving myself deeply, trusting in my desires and taking the aligned action to bring it all into reality. I was focused, clear, and confident.
When I released myself of ‘being the strong one’ my core sense of self transformed.
Being strong wasn’t the goal, I was simply doing what was modeled to me.
Who I needed to be to everyone else. My identity was shaped without my consent.
Let’s bring it all together now…
I see life through 7 and 9 year cycles. My 9 year cycle ended in 2021, the same year my mother died suddenly.
(ok like what the actual F was happening, I started my healing work in 2012 through healing the mother wound and now I end my 9 year cycle with my mother dying?)
I spent almost a decade cultivating a life I loved, healing the mother wound, loving myself, coaching clients through the same work, helping them make their dreams come true. Only to be right back at the same place I was in 2012 months after she died?
I couldn’t comprehend it. I felt defeated.
But this time, I couldn’t be the ‘strong one’ because my daughter was watching me and being ‘strong’ was not my identity anymore.
I remember thinking I will never do grief the way my mom did it. She didn’t have the support, resources or tools and her grief was heavy and all consuming at times. Part of the time she was my mom and part of the time she was fighting her demons and I was the ‘unintentional;’ target.
I didn’t know how to do it. To go from pure joy, happiness, potential and hope for the future to being struck with grief and feeling physically injured everyday.
But I carved a new path for myself.
Each day I went back to the basics.
Take care of me, be gracious, be compassionate and be myself with my daughter.
This new cycle of my life was calling me to redefine how to hold it all without losing myself.
It was demanding me to integrate BOTH.
The devastating and tragic death of my mom and the healthy unhealthy relationship we had.
These last four years have been the hardest days of my life. The hardest.
The idea that my mom Lisa died and I will never see her again, takes time to actually comprehend.
Life is demanding. Grief is demanding and how I love myself through it will be the defining factor in what I modelling to my daughter and now son.
I refuse to be the strong one because I am so much more than that. Who I am and who I am becoming now is a version of myself my little Nicole needed when she was a child.
I am so much more than my emotions, my emotions are not who I am they are indicating what I need to express, to move, to witness.
I am love, I am hopeful, I am powerful, I am worthy, I am deserving, I am healthy, I am smart, I am magnificent, I am kind, I am brave, I am willing.
I am.
And that is more than enough.
The moment I released being ‘strong’ from my identity I made space to redefine it all. To integrate who I was and who I am now. It required deep love and acceptance and radical forgiveness.
I am not the strong one anymore I am me and I am cultivating resilience in my relationship with self so I can lead my children, my clients and myself in a new way that is filled with love.
I invite you to repeat 10 affirmations tonight and every night when you lay your head on the pillow.
Practice and give yourself permission to hold both.
Being strong isn’t who you are, you are always so much more.
Love you so very much
Curious what I’m working on?
I am coaching women leaders to integrate grief + leadership so they can lead, earn, and love with unshakable self-trust in my 8 week 1:1 program.
P.S. I LOVE connecting for 15 minute connection calls to see if we might be a good fit for one another. I offer 1:1 sessions and programs. If you are feeling mentally and emotionally drained, my QCP session will be transformational. Radical forgiveness is how we clear 30-40 years worth of baggage in one session.
